Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Just a taste

I would like to highlight an experience I had tonight, because I think it is really important to remember and reflect on this one!!

A little bit of background:

For Pete's Orchestra Rep class (9-11pm, Tuesdays) we have had a mock audition scheduled for tonight for a long time. Pete sent out an email yesterday about the mock audition. This is how it started:

"I have received 3 lists for tomorrow night. Either you are not interested or not prepared"

I am preparing the list for the Memphis second trombone audition. And when I say "preparing," I mean, I have bound the music and I have practiced the tougher spots. But in no way have I begun as thorough a routine as I should. I am letting the end of the semester get to me. This is senioritis at its best, folks. I have been in school since pre-kindergarten at age 4. That was 24 years ago. It is ingrained in my veins to lose care, control, and all common sense at this point in the year.

OK, enough excuses.

So I decided to take this opportunity to perform for people, even though I didn't feel prepared. Pete picked some obscure selections from the list, and the excerpts he picked ended up lasting for about 15 minutes per person, which is about 10 minutes longer than the typical first round audition. I have to admit that I had the advantage in the situation because I went last. I was able to hear all of the students before me, and I made notes about things to remember to play-a full length quarter note on beat one, correct rhythm in the Ride, etc. BUT I also sat without playing for over an hour, which can be considered a disadvantage by some. Not by me. I am deciding not to worry about that anymore. Starting now.

So I played. And I thought it went well! Yes, I played a few wrong notes. But I think I could count them on one hand. (And I remember exactly where they are!) I was hearing the orchestra in my mind all of the time. When I missed a note is probably when I couldn't hear the orchestra. But tonight I forgot my recorder at home, so I am not going to be able to tell if the perception of success was in my mind, or if it came across to the audience. If I had recorded, I could go back later and compare my playing to the ideal version in my mind.

So here I am, "I think that was good, I feel good...and in fact, my chops aren't completely spent as I thought they would be! Am I imagining it? After 5 years in this rep class, did I finally have a solid performance that I can celebrate?" Isn't it funny? The difference between my perception of how I played and the reality of how I played has been great enough several times in the past that I don't know if I can believe that I did a good job!

And then I got my answer. As we were leaving class, Pete said it. "Good job, Sarah."

It is a hard-earned comment. I was relieved that I wasn't the only one who thought it went well. Not only that, but he is my teacher. He tells the truth, I look up to him, and he wouldn't say it if he didn't mean it. Whew! My victories with trombone are few and far between. It was so gratifying to hear the affirmation from him.

And then I walked out into the hallway and I felt different. I walked a little slower, I wasn't in a hurry. I felt lighter. And I noticed the feeling, and I thought, "Well, this is new, I like this! This must be what it feels like to be completely satisfied with my art. Is this how it feels to have a job?" I was completely happy with my playing.

Now whether it's over self-criticism, or actual shortcomings, I haven't felt like that very much in the past six years since I got serious about the trombone. I can't really remember the last time. So I wanted to remember this one. I felt happy, no worries, no doubts. It was great!! Now that I know what this feels like, maybe I can aim for it more accurately. And I need to get to this place more often, where I accomplished what I set out to do.

Ready....go!